you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Drake has all the answers
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
