Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
