She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
