WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
