ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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