how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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