it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
