I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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