please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
