Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
