I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
