I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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