if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
