After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
