Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
