either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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