using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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