So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
