There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
