Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
