my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
