My hand turned me down
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
