I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
