I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
