You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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