I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
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