Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Randomize
