Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
