I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
