I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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