I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
