I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
