I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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