i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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