my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
