Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
