I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
