Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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