I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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