I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
