i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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