I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
