I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
