is your mom at the bar?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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