it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
