Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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