Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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