One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Randomize
