just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
