I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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