So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Randomize
