I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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