your thong is hanging out like whoa
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
